The 30 Most WTF Florida News Stories Of 2015

by 3 years ago

WTF FLORIDA

Florida is home to amazing weather, insane water sports, fantastic food and some of the craziest fucking people on planet Earth.

Every year, we look back at the year in WTF in sunny Florida. In 2015, Florida might have outdone itself. It was such a strong year, we even did a “here’s what happened so far” post back in the beginning of the year.

Florida had it all this year — there was booby flashing, Flakka dropping, criminals eaten by alligators, dads giving cocaine to kids to get them to do their chores and penis cake related crimes.

The Sunshine State once again shined brightly in 2015. Here are the 30 most WTF Florida stories of the year.

Just when you think Florida can’t Florida any harder, it goes all Florida and gives you this chick getting arrested for driving around her local Wal-Mart on a mobilized scooter, high on Meth, helping herself to some healthy servings of some of the great food that Wal-Mart has to offer.

Police say that a 40-year-old man was trying to enter a time portal when he plowed his Dodge Challenger through a brick wall of a store in Pensacola.

handlining-goliath-grouper-anna-maria-island-florida

This bro had just taken a hook through his finger the day before pulling in his 250-pound Goliath Grouper (Jewfish) off of Anna Maria Island, Florida.

If you’re going to hide from the cops in Florida, avoid hiding out deep in the swamps. The reason? You’ll end up getting eaten by alligators like this former Floridian.

A Tampa Bay couple had to be rescued from the back of a garbage truck after they got hammered at a casino and passed out in a dumpster. They were woken up when a garbage truck arrived to empty the dumpster. Jackpot!

This Florida woman thought her dog was barking too much so she duct taped his mouth shut. Bitch. Her, not the dog.

This guy got bit by a shark while surfing so he caught that son of a bitch and ate him.

This couple was really into freaky sex but bringing a gun into bed might have crossed the line. Especially after the woman was accidentally shot in the head. Probably during his orgasm.

If you see this clown hanging out in FLA, it’s probably best to avoid him at all costs.

This woman gave the cops a perfectly reasonable explanation for whipping her titties out in public. This woman also had a legit reason for flashing her cans but “in court” probably wasn’t the best place.

Meet Ronny Hicks from Palm Bay, Florida. The 54-year-old enjoys long rides in his motorized wheelchair while blocking multiple lanes of traffic on a bridge as the salty airs whisks through his unkempt beard. Unfortunately not everyone appreciates drunk Hicks on their bridge.

This guy was pretending to be a doctor and handing out fake breast exams. No one caught on until he also started taking women’s temperatures rectally. On a related note, do you know how to tell the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer? The taste.

You’ll read this story holding your junk and cringing the entire time. I promise.

This off-duty cop went fishing and found $10 million dollars of uncut cocaine. He didn’t throw it back.

If you get arrested, this will never work. Don’t be stupid. You can’t chew off fingerprints.

This guy was sentenced to 30 months in jail for having sex on the beach and I’m not talking about the delicious alcoholic beverage.

You don’t want to have sex with your girlfriend? Well that’s a stabbing!

Perhaps the best headline of 2015: “Florida Man High On God Knows What Caught On Camera Twerking On Top Of A Cop Car To Hall & Oates, Is Promptly Arrested”

Robbing houses is so hard, you guys. It’s so hard a fella can get tired. So tired he just falls asleep inside the house he’s robbing.

Daniel Murphy Baseball Card

This drunk chick handed over a baseball card to a cop instead of her ID during a DUI stop. Stuff like that only works if you’re a legit baseball player or the card is worth anything but we all know baseball cards aren’t worth anything anymore. (Cries over boxes of worthless old baseball cards)

Everyone wants to set a Guinness World Record but not EVERYTHING is world record worthy. For example — this Florida resident who’s had his driver’s license suspended 26 TIMES IN 7 YEARS.

Busy moms need to save time. This Florida mom figured she wasn’t doing anything else while driving, so why not breastfeed? Multitasking, people. Multitasking.

School principal texted “vaginas on fire” in regard to pending sex scandal at his school. Hopefully his resume is also fire because he was promptly canned.

This dad was tired of begging his daughters to do their chores. They wouldn’t listen. So he bribed them with blow. I bet they did a TON of chores after a couple lines.

Here’s a new age outlaw — this woman was so pissed about getting arrested she took a dump in the backseat of a police cruiser. That’s something you’ll never see on an episode of Cops. Speaking of dropping anchor at the right moment, this guy pinched a loaf all day and snuck into his ex-girlfriend’s house to drop hot turds all over her place.

We’ve all been hungry before, but never this hungry. We’ve all been high before but never this high.

The Watts were arrested last April for selling “golden tickets to heaven” on the streets of Jacksonville, Florida. These once in a millennium opportunities were extremely reasonably priced at a low, low $99.99

This brother shot his sister for baking him a birthday cake in the shape of a penis. And what does that make him? A massive dick.


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